6."All adolescents have emotional challenges."
This is related to phrase #5. It is a way of invalidating someone's life experience-in this case, the experience of an adolescent-by telling him that the pain he is experiencing doesn't matter. Maybe your child is just having normal teenage mood swings, but only a doctor can tell. So you should take your kid to the doctor. If he is depressed, he'll get much needed treatment; if he is just experiencing "normal" adolescent ups and downs, he'll be grateful that you took his pain seriously. Parents should also note that depression in children and adolescents oftentimes looks different than depression in adults, characterized by irritability and anger, rather than sadness.
7."Others have it worse."
There is always going to be someone who is worse off. Depressed people know this as well as anyone, if not better. Many depressed people go years-even decades!-without seeking help because they know that "others have it worse". While a mentally healthy person will respond to thoughts of the worse off with gratitude that that is not him, a depressed person will only feel despair at the magnitude of the world's problems.
8. "Stop using depression as an excuse or a crutch"
It can be frustrating to see a depressed friend consistently turn down opportunities that you think would help him. Your depressed friend may seem like an "underachiever", and it's easy to assume that he underperforms because he uses his depression as an excuse to not go after what he wants. But the truth is that it is the depression, not the depression label, that causes your friend to pass up opportunities. He simply doesn't have the energy or cognitive stamina at this moment to deal with more than what is already on his plate. Be supportive, be understanding, and don't you dare think for one second that you are better than your depressed friend because you have an easier time achieving something.
9."I get depressed sometimes too."
If you have been diagnosed with depression by an MD, this may be a helpful thing to say. Just make sure to emphasize the fact that your loved one is not alone, and try not to turn the conversation back to yourself.
If you've never been diagnosed with depression, don't say that you've been "depressed" sometimes too. That would be like telling someone with a brain tumor "oh yeah, I sometimes get headaches too." If your sad or unpleasant emotions aren't accompanied by sleep or appetite changes, cognitive challenges, the sensation of being physically slowed down or sped up, decreases in day-to-day functioning, or intense fatigue, then you likely have never been truly depressed. If your depressed mood is accompanied by some of the other depressive symptoms listed above, then you should see a doctor.
10."You're the worst thing that ever happened to me." I hope that you don't use this phrase with anyone, depressed or not. But it is especially toxic to say it to a depressed person. Most depressed people are suffocating under shame and guilt, and don't have very high self esteem. A comment like this could destroy them.
Admittedly, it can be difficult to be around a depressed friend or family member, and it can be tempting to let your loved one know how difficult she makes your life. If you are overstressed from having to care for your depressed loved one, take a break. Meditate. Breathe. Go for a walk. Remember that you are awesome for being a friend during this trying time. And be kind.
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