5 Things Not to Say to a Depressed Person, Part I

Today's post was inspired by a thread on a depression forum, where members shared some of the unhelpful (at best) and abusive (at worst) comments they have received from friends and family. After combing through the first three pages, I already had enough material to fill one post. Unfortunately, people can use words to be thoughtless and unkind towards depressed loved ones in a myriad of ways, and there will be a "5 Things Not to Say to a Depressed Person, Part II".

Here is my list of the 10 unhelpful, hurtful comments that have been directed at depressed people. Some seem obviously cruel, and I hope that you would never say them to anyone, depressed or healthy. Others are more subtle, and someone without personal experience with depression could easily find themselves using a similar phrase in an attempt to help.

Here is the list:
1. "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps!" A close cousin of this phrase is the infamous "snap out of it!". Both phrases imply that with a little effort, depression could be overcome. The problem with this is that depression is a dragon that patients can't usually slay by themselves. Depression is much more than feeling a little sad, or wallowing in self-pity. Depression is a serious illness that affects a person cognitively and physically, as well as emotionally.

2."Do Something Productive; You'll Feel Better."
"Clean your house!" "Take a walk!""Do something nice for someone else!" While there is nothing inherently malicious about these phrases, and they contain advice that can be helpful for your average  mentally healthy person, they shouldn't be said to a depressed individual. Someone experiencing depression has very limited energy, and probably is putting every last bit of it towards just getting through the day. Doing extra work won't make the person feel better; it will make her feel worse-she'll be exhausted and experience guilt over her inability to do the additional tasks well.

3."Think Positively."
Again, sounds like good advice, and for the average person facing a problem, it probably is. For someone with depression, however, it may not be possible to think positively. Depression is a cognitive illness; it takes over thought patterns, making it literally impossible to find the silver lining to any problem. If a depressed person does manage to think some sunny thoughts, they will often feel even worse afterwards, perhaps because they cannot really emotionally grasp the positivity.

4."Thinking about suicide is selfish/cowardly/a sign of a weak mind."
Unfortunately, depression greatly increases the chance that a person will consider, and perhaps even attempt, suicide. Telling your depressed and suicidal friend that he is selfish or cowardly for wanting an escape from a life permeated by pain won't help him. He likely feels guilty enough about these thoughts, and knows full well how his loved ones would suffer if he went through with his suicide plan. This may be the sole reason why he is still alive.

5."You're not really depressed/you're making it up/ you want attention."
Depressed people who self-harm on a place that's visible, attempt suicide, or dare to talk openly about their struggles with this illness are most likely to hear this little gem. Oftentimes, it is a parent or other authority figure who uses this phrase, because they don't want to accept that their child could have a serious mental health issue. By ignoring the problem (and the person who has the problem) however, the situation only gets worse. The depressed individual also feels misunderstood and invalidated, and likely feels that she can't turn to you when she goes through other challenges in life.


If you suffer from depression, are there any other hurtful phrases that you've heard? How do you educate your friends and family on your illness so that they will treat you with respect? If you don't personally suffer from depression, is there anything on this list that surprised you?

Be on the lookout for part II, coming later this week!