5 Things Not to Say to a Depressed Person, Part II

We're back! Here is a continuation of "things to not say to a depressed person".

6."All adolescents have emotional challenges."
This is related to phrase #5. It is a way of invalidating someone's life experience-in this case, the experience of an adolescent-by telling him that the pain he is experiencing doesn't matter. Maybe your child is just having normal teenage mood swings, but only a doctor can tell. So you should take your kid to the doctor. If he is depressed, he'll get much needed treatment; if he is just experiencing "normal" adolescent ups and downs, he'll be grateful that you took his pain seriously. Parents should also note that depression in children and adolescents oftentimes looks different than depression in adults,  characterized by irritability and anger, rather than sadness.

7."Others have it worse."
There is always going to be someone who is worse off. Depressed people know this as well as anyone, if not better. Many depressed people go years-even decades!-without seeking help because they know that "others have it worse". While a mentally healthy person will respond to thoughts of the worse off with gratitude that that is not him, a depressed person will only feel despair at the magnitude of the world's problems.

8. "Stop using depression as an excuse or a crutch"
It can be frustrating to see a depressed friend consistently turn down opportunities that you think would help him. Your depressed friend may seem like an "underachiever", and it's easy to assume that he underperforms because he uses his depression as an excuse to not go after what he wants. But the truth is that it is the depression, not the depression label, that causes your friend to pass up opportunities. He simply doesn't have the energy or cognitive stamina at this moment to deal with more than what is already on his plate. Be supportive, be understanding, and don't you dare think for one second that you are better than your depressed friend because you have an easier time achieving something.

9."I get depressed sometimes too."
If you have been diagnosed with depression by an MD, this may be a helpful thing to say. Just make sure to emphasize the fact that your loved one is not alone, and try not to turn the conversation back to yourself.

If you've never been diagnosed with depression, don't say that you've been "depressed" sometimes too. That would be like telling someone with a brain tumor "oh yeah, I sometimes get headaches too."  If your sad or unpleasant emotions aren't accompanied by sleep or appetite changes, cognitive challenges, the sensation of being physically slowed down or sped up, decreases in day-to-day functioning, or intense fatigue, then you likely have never been truly depressed. If your depressed mood is accompanied by some of the other depressive symptoms listed above, then you should see a doctor.

10."You're the worst thing that ever happened to me." I hope that you don't use this phrase with anyone, depressed or not. But it is especially toxic to say it to a depressed person. Most depressed people are suffocating under shame and guilt, and don't have very high self esteem. A comment like this could destroy them.

Admittedly, it can be difficult to be around a depressed friend or family member, and it can be tempting to let your loved one know how difficult she makes your life. If you are overstressed from having to care for your depressed loved one, take a break. Meditate. Breathe. Go for a walk. Remember that you are awesome for being a friend during this trying time. And be kind.

5 Things Not to Say to a Depressed Person, Part I

Today's post was inspired by a thread on a depression forum, where members shared some of the unhelpful (at best) and abusive (at worst) comments they have received from friends and family. After combing through the first three pages, I already had enough material to fill one post. Unfortunately, people can use words to be thoughtless and unkind towards depressed loved ones in a myriad of ways, and there will be a "5 Things Not to Say to a Depressed Person, Part II".

Here is my list of the 10 unhelpful, hurtful comments that have been directed at depressed people. Some seem obviously cruel, and I hope that you would never say them to anyone, depressed or healthy. Others are more subtle, and someone without personal experience with depression could easily find themselves using a similar phrase in an attempt to help.

Here is the list:
1. "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps!" A close cousin of this phrase is the infamous "snap out of it!". Both phrases imply that with a little effort, depression could be overcome. The problem with this is that depression is a dragon that patients can't usually slay by themselves. Depression is much more than feeling a little sad, or wallowing in self-pity. Depression is a serious illness that affects a person cognitively and physically, as well as emotionally.

2."Do Something Productive; You'll Feel Better."
"Clean your house!" "Take a walk!""Do something nice for someone else!" While there is nothing inherently malicious about these phrases, and they contain advice that can be helpful for your average  mentally healthy person, they shouldn't be said to a depressed individual. Someone experiencing depression has very limited energy, and probably is putting every last bit of it towards just getting through the day. Doing extra work won't make the person feel better; it will make her feel worse-she'll be exhausted and experience guilt over her inability to do the additional tasks well.

3."Think Positively."
Again, sounds like good advice, and for the average person facing a problem, it probably is. For someone with depression, however, it may not be possible to think positively. Depression is a cognitive illness; it takes over thought patterns, making it literally impossible to find the silver lining to any problem. If a depressed person does manage to think some sunny thoughts, they will often feel even worse afterwards, perhaps because they cannot really emotionally grasp the positivity.

4."Thinking about suicide is selfish/cowardly/a sign of a weak mind."
Unfortunately, depression greatly increases the chance that a person will consider, and perhaps even attempt, suicide. Telling your depressed and suicidal friend that he is selfish or cowardly for wanting an escape from a life permeated by pain won't help him. He likely feels guilty enough about these thoughts, and knows full well how his loved ones would suffer if he went through with his suicide plan. This may be the sole reason why he is still alive.

5."You're not really depressed/you're making it up/ you want attention."
Depressed people who self-harm on a place that's visible, attempt suicide, or dare to talk openly about their struggles with this illness are most likely to hear this little gem. Oftentimes, it is a parent or other authority figure who uses this phrase, because they don't want to accept that their child could have a serious mental health issue. By ignoring the problem (and the person who has the problem) however, the situation only gets worse. The depressed individual also feels misunderstood and invalidated, and likely feels that she can't turn to you when she goes through other challenges in life.


If you suffer from depression, are there any other hurtful phrases that you've heard? How do you educate your friends and family on your illness so that they will treat you with respect? If you don't personally suffer from depression, is there anything on this list that surprised you?

Be on the lookout for part II, coming later this week!

Hello, World!

"Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood."-Marie Curie

Welcome to the official blog of Phoenix Rising, an organization dedicated to getting people to talk and think about important social issues. The social challenges that our organization focuses on include homelessness, loneliness, mental illness, addiction, and LGBTQ issues. 

I started this organization out of necessity. When I moved to Madison, WI for college, I met a lot of homeless individuals. It bothered me then and it bothers me now, that we as a nation can afford to house our criminals in prisons, but leave the severely impoverished to freeze on the streets. For years, I'd pass the homeless on the streets, internally sighing because there was nothing I could do. 

Well, now I am doing something. I am starting Phoenix Rising to start a dialog about not just homelessness, but also other important issues. Also around the time I started college, I became seriously interested in psychological health. I read everything I could get my hands on concerning mental illness and its treatment. I hope to share this knowledge through this organization. Loneliness and isolation are major issues that simply are not being talked about, and I want to change that. I want to make it okay for someone to reach out to a friend, to say "I feel lonely; would you like to hangout this weekend?" without seeming pathetic or desperate. Addiction is a tricky issue that interacts with the other focuses of our organization; many people with mental health challenges also deal with substance abuse, and 50% of the homeless population has an addiction. Finally, LGBTQ issues are exceedingly important. People with minority sexualities and gender identities lead challenging lives, complicated by how those around them respond to their unique identities. I have a transgender friend whose parents cut him out of their lives when he came out to them. Tragedies like this, a family split apart due to misunderstanding and fear, should never happen.

I have several ideas for this new organization. I have started a Facebook page; I will share material related to social challenges on this page daily. I have this blog, which I will update regularly. I plan to start a video blog on YouTube. Several years ago, I tried to start a forum for people with mental illness who are interested in a career in medicine. I plan to revive that forum, and open it up to mentally ill people in all health professions. Eventually, I want to address the significant problem of loneliness with a social network for lonely people. It will be like a dating site, but for friendship, and anyone who needs a friend or two can make a profile and start connecting.

My most ambitious goal for Phoenix Rising, however, is to publish e-books that directly address social challenges. I have several half-finished novels that I would like to complete and publish. I also have a nonfiction book on bipolar disorder that I've been working on since 2012; I hope to finish that by the summer of 2015 and get it out for people to read. In addition to my work, I would like to accept submissions from other authors on relevant topics. I hope to also host an annual poetry and short story contest, for people to express themselves regarding their personal challenges with the relevant issues.

If you have any questions regarding this organization and how you can get involved, feel free to message me on Phoenix Rising's Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/affjerf or add a comment below.